When My Old Self Inspires the Aspiring One

On this day, I was writing...and as I wrote, tears flowed from my eyes. What you may not know, is that I actually write quite often, though many of my writings don’t appear on my blog. So I wrote the following today which is actually a sad piece, but then I started reviewing past writings and found one from the end of last year that reminded me that there is no reason to stay in my sadness because I am a fighter, a warrior and I don’t give up. It’s interesting to see how sometimes our old self can actually be inspiring to our aspiring self.

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At the onset of this year, I set out to embark on this crazy journey to be this wonderous goddess that would emanate incandescent love and light. What soon came to be very apparent within even just the first few days was that this would not be an easy feat. With every relation that I had and even the simplest of interactions, I saw myself examining each situation, my reaction and then analyzing and evaluating it. To say that it became exhausting would be an extreme understatement and to know that I was failing in more ways than one was truly humbling. Regardless of this insurmountable goal, I worked within myself to not give up and instead decided to work on my ego which had become clearly visible. I had to face aspects of my pride and invulnerability and just feel the shame. Today, I think I may actually feel smaller than I felt at the beginning of the year because of the field of my awareness now. I guess that I initially thought that only if I tried hard enough, my heart would naturally grow. Perhaps in many ways, it did grow, but what I came to realize this day was that it could only go so far and this brings me immense sadness.

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Once upon a time when I was living in the Philippines, I used to go on monthly surfing escapades. I’d hop onto a bus immediately after my night shift and head to La Union. After quite a few of these weekend trips, my surf instructor insisted I was ready to surf bigger waves in deeper waters. I was hesitant about his suggestion since I didn’t really know how to swim (don’t worry, I’ve taken swimming lessons since then :p), but eventually decided to trust his instincts.

To my misfortune, I wiped out completely on the first wave. I plummeted down and as I was upside down in the water, I realized the leash from my surfboard was wrapped around both my ankles. I mermaid my way out and gasped for air. As my head came above the water, all I could see was a roaring wave coming to engulf me. This exact incident repeated itself countless times until I thought I was good to die in the deep ocean blue. Obviously, I lived to tell the tale, but more importantly, I dared to not allow this experience to keep me from surfing again.

Interestingly enough, this experience depicts my healing journey. I thought I could live and love, but got knocked down (in the most simplified version of the story). Every time, I feel like I’m making progress and moving on from all the pain and suffering, something that’s out of my control happens within my life that makes me fall or adds weight to my rising. At times, I find myself wondering when the waves will ever stop and other times, they almost don’t even catch me by surprise anymore. This life is tiring, but I still find the ability to wake up everyday and be grateful for it, so perhaps this is what Brene Brown writes about in her book Rising Strong (which I coincidentally started reading today).

As we are in the month of December and the year is winding down, I can’t help but reflect on my 2017. I jumped into an awesome business venture. Essential oils in themselves exploded in my life and I can’t imagine living without their benefits. I took driving lessons, started this blog and really dove into a lot of internal work for healing. I faced pain head on and looked it straight into the eyes. I restarted my yoga practice, volunteering again and even started “dating”. I’ve been focused on a lot of self-love, but still placing importance on connecting and reconnecting with people and sharing stories. Then, some not so great things that occurred was that I injured my wrist and the reason as to why I injured it, as well as my mom falling ill while abroad.

I might not have hit the rank I had set out for myself in work or be making the amount of money I wish. I still don’t have my license and my website is very much still in its development phase. I’m still learning how to deal with my ego and maintain a consistent meditation practice. In addition, I’m often interested and involved in one too many things that I can’t focus and really accomplish or progress in anything.

According to a recent activity I did in describing the world in five words, I chose chaos, carefree, magical, confusing and doomed...only to realize I was describing aspects of myself. So yes, my life is confusing, messy and filled with quite a few chaotic events, but at the same time, it’s magical and flowing exactly as it is meant to be even if it feels overwhelming, daunting and dooming at times. I’m in the arena of life, and there may be dust, sweat and blood on my face, but I’m not completely worn down, wiped out, drowning or dead; I am rising strong & I still dare to live and love hard.