A Transformation.

I used to be the girl that everyone wanted to know, but was also intimated by. The girl that commanded attention when she walked into the room and was the life of the party. The girl who walked into a club and have men buy her drinks all night and similarly, the girl who could walk up to a CEO, find a way to connect, impress and leave a lasting impression. There was no fear of travelling across countries on my own and having adventures with strangers. This was what living as an expat in the Philippines did to me.

This, as I would soon realize, did not mean anything to Benito, yet he was captivated by me and my potential to be who he believed I was destined to be (as I would later learn). I, being absolutely in awe of this bold, beautiful and talented man coupled with my strong willingness to grow to new heights, pursued a relationship with him.

My relationship with Benito made me incredibly happy, but at the same time, I also experienced my most incredible lows that would make me ball my eyes out; endless nights of falling asleep in a wet pillow. I probably never questioned so much of who I am as to when I was with him. There was so much of me that was destroyed in the process. As I mull over all the different aspects of me that were destroyed, I can honestly say that I think many of those parts of me were actually meant to be destroyed. This shocks and terrifies me as the victim inside of me screams, “No! The pain and suffering you went through were not acceptable.”

My being has changed in its entirety since I met Benito and the truth is, I love the person I have become despite everything I went through. I don’t care to be the center of attention or impress anyone anymore. Perhaps it’s because I don’t want my drama to be the center of attention or that I feel I can’t impress anyone anymore with my life, but essentially, I just don’t care about those things anymore. I have greater issues to resolve within myself than to be focused on the image I put out to the world.

To some, my blog might be too much information and/or too much vulnerability. The truth is, in having to be strong for a such a journey in my life, I grew tired of it. Keeping a front as if everything was fine and okay all the time is (excuse my language) f*cking exhausting. What I realized this year, is that it’s completely okay to not have everything picture perfect in life. It’s okay to make mistakes and that we are not our mistakes. So yes, I am no longer ashamed to speak freely of what I’ve been through and it’s aftermath. It’s a part of my growth in this life. I may be a little more raw around the edges now without the necessary grace of a lady, but what I’ve discovered over the past couple of months is that somehow I now exude a vibration that allows others to share their pain and sufferings with me. It’s a mystical feeling and I know I’m a better person now than I ever was: real, raw, empathetic and compassionate. And I am proud to have these traits as a mother.