Revived.

In reviving my site by purchasing my own domain recently, I read through some of my old blogs. In reading back over how I was feeling a couple years ago, I see how much growth has taken place in comparison to who I am today. It’s not as if the pain has been forgotten or erased. If I dwell hard enough, I recognize myself being pulled back into those emotions I did experience at the time; however, that is not where I want to be today. I want to be happy and I actually am in a much happier place now. I love life and I am constantly excited about it (and yes, I’m still single. Hah. In case you thought being in new relationship has to do with anything). I’ve accepted that this pain is a part of me as I still work through some of it, but that I have worked through a lot of it. At times, I am triggered. Am I worthy? Am I loved? Am I beautiful?

As I’ve mentioned in the past, because of what I’ve been through, people will tend to open up to me and reach out regarding their pain because they know that I know what pain is. How do we move past it? How did I work through it?

I did a lot of things. To name a few, I journaled, painted, did yoga, exercised, jogged, meditated and read. I turned to oracle cards, crystals and essential oils. I went to cacao ceremonies, ecstatic dance sessions and did a shamanic journey to the underworld. I took care of myself and still do. We all need self-love. Ultimately though, what it really came down to, was forgiving myself. I realized that I didn’t need to blame my ex or myself for what had happened. We are all human and imperfect, making tons of mistakes and just doing our best in living this life. We are not our mistakes and blaming actually doesn't help.

I did not want to be a victim of what happened. It might sound cheesy - I got this from Gabrielle Bernstein, but I wanted to be a lighthouse instead. I wanted to show myself and the world that I could rise from what happened and still shine my light. I believe that each of us are a unique light and we are meant to shine. So I decided to just focus on beaming and radiating the light that’s inside of me, focusing on the positive, good and being grateful. So here I am today, thriving in this life and manifesting mindfulness and magic. Join me in shining your light, but first, let's forgive and love yourself.

When My Old Self Inspires the Aspiring One

On this day, I was writing...and as I wrote, tears flowed from my eyes. What you may not know, is that I actually write quite often, though many of my writings don’t appear on my blog. So I wrote the following today which is actually a sad piece, but then I started reviewing past writings and found one from the end of last year that reminded me that there is no reason to stay in my sadness because I am a fighter, a warrior and I don’t give up. It’s interesting to see how sometimes our old self can actually be inspiring to our aspiring self.

***.

At the onset of this year, I set out to embark on this crazy journey to be this wonderous goddess that would emanate incandescent love and light. What soon came to be very apparent within even just the first few days was that this would not be an easy feat. With every relation that I had and even the simplest of interactions, I saw myself examining each situation, my reaction and then analyzing and evaluating it. To say that it became exhausting would be an extreme understatement and to know that I was failing in more ways than one was truly humbling. Regardless of this insurmountable goal, I worked within myself to not give up and instead decided to work on my ego which had become clearly visible. I had to face aspects of my pride and invulnerability and just feel the shame. Today, I think I may actually feel smaller than I felt at the beginning of the year because of the field of my awareness now. I guess that I initially thought that only if I tried hard enough, my heart would naturally grow. Perhaps in many ways, it did grow, but what I came to realize this day was that it could only go so far and this brings me immense sadness.

***

Once upon a time when I was living in the Philippines, I used to go on monthly surfing escapades. I’d hop onto a bus immediately after my night shift and head to La Union. After quite a few of these weekend trips, my surf instructor insisted I was ready to surf bigger waves in deeper waters. I was hesitant about his suggestion since I didn’t really know how to swim (don’t worry, I’ve taken swimming lessons since then :p), but eventually decided to trust his instincts.

To my misfortune, I wiped out completely on the first wave. I plummeted down and as I was upside down in the water, I realized the leash from my surfboard was wrapped around both my ankles. I mermaid my way out and gasped for air. As my head came above the water, all I could see was a roaring wave coming to engulf me. This exact incident repeated itself countless times until I thought I was good to die in the deep ocean blue. Obviously, I lived to tell the tale, but more importantly, I dared to not allow this experience to keep me from surfing again.

Interestingly enough, this experience depicts my healing journey. I thought I could live and love, but got knocked down (in the most simplified version of the story). Every time, I feel like I’m making progress and moving on from all the pain and suffering, something that’s out of my control happens within my life that makes me fall or adds weight to my rising. At times, I find myself wondering when the waves will ever stop and other times, they almost don’t even catch me by surprise anymore. This life is tiring, but I still find the ability to wake up everyday and be grateful for it, so perhaps this is what Brene Brown writes about in her book Rising Strong (which I coincidentally started reading today).

As we are in the month of December and the year is winding down, I can’t help but reflect on my 2017. I jumped into an awesome business venture. Essential oils in themselves exploded in my life and I can’t imagine living without their benefits. I took driving lessons, started this blog and really dove into a lot of internal work for healing. I faced pain head on and looked it straight into the eyes. I restarted my yoga practice, volunteering again and even started “dating”. I’ve been focused on a lot of self-love, but still placing importance on connecting and reconnecting with people and sharing stories. Then, some not so great things that occurred was that I injured my wrist and the reason as to why I injured it, as well as my mom falling ill while abroad.

I might not have hit the rank I had set out for myself in work or be making the amount of money I wish. I still don’t have my license and my website is very much still in its development phase. I’m still learning how to deal with my ego and maintain a consistent meditation practice. In addition, I’m often interested and involved in one too many things that I can’t focus and really accomplish or progress in anything.

According to a recent activity I did in describing the world in five words, I chose chaos, carefree, magical, confusing and doomed...only to realize I was describing aspects of myself. So yes, my life is confusing, messy and filled with quite a few chaotic events, but at the same time, it’s magical and flowing exactly as it is meant to be even if it feels overwhelming, daunting and dooming at times. I’m in the arena of life, and there may be dust, sweat and blood on my face, but I’m not completely worn down, wiped out, drowning or dead; I am rising strong & I still dare to live and love hard.

The Goddess Rising

Unexpectedly, due to reading Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton at the onset of 2017, this book paved the way to facing my emotions, pain and suffering straight on for the rest of the year. I allowed them to surface and I did my best to UNDERSTAND, ACCEPT and then TRANSFORM them. It wasn’t an easy year (to say the least), but I can honestly say that a lot of healing took place and I am much more at peace walking into 2018. I have a greater understanding of healing. A definite part of healing is also about surrendering, letting go and trusting the universe. Healing isn’t just waiting for time to pass until I forget or throwing myself into a number of distractions so I don’t feel anything. No, these are ways in order to escape healing.

There was much that I had to let go of as 2017 was also about reclaiming and rediscovering who I really am and letting go of so many lies, stories and expectations that were dis-serving me. With a shamanic journey to the underworld in March, I was able to reclaim the beauty of my being and reclaim inner peace. I remember being in absolute disbelief when I saw the beauty of my soul encumbered in a wooden room with locks upon chains on the door. She had flew to the depths of the earth and locked herself away for protection. She could no longer live within me as the way my life had taken course was absolutely blasphemous to her. As I took her out of the room to journey back to the world with me, I knew that I could never lock her away in that room again. I cannot allow myself to live in ways that goes against my soul. This is a promise I have vowed to keep for the rest of time.

While walking home after dropping the boys off at daycare one day in October, I imagined what a conversation about their dad might look like one day and it immediately brought my spirits low. I decided to go for a jog. I later found myself in meditation in the park and found myself recalling the goddess Kali. In my recent studies of ancient goddesses, I began to draw inspiration from them and tap into my own inner goddess. Kali is a fierce Hindu goddess that cuts the demons out of our life. I decided right then and there that I would cut the suffering out of my life. I remember standing on the grass and crossing my arms in front of my upper body and rigorously slicing through the air as I squatted. It was the powerful murdra of Kali as I envisioned cutting out all the suffering from my life. In doing this, I knew it wasn’t about building up walls, hardening my heart and contracting. It was about becoming expansive and allowing my ego to descend. I was able to recognize the joy Benito brings to Aragon and Haigan’s lives (even if it is only twice a year). I was able to understand that Benito is not ill-intentioned, but that at the same time, I do not need to constantly be burned by him. I no longer need to be a warrior for my kids. Instead...I need to be a goddess.

I know that the term goddess might seem something magically far-fetched and slightly egoist, but just hear my out :p There is not one day that I do not recall how I embraced both Aragon and Haigan into this world without any stability of my own, except with the core belief that they were destined to be little gods of this world...revolutionaries. Both of their names, Aragon Indra Aurelius and Haigan Iason Blasius were carefully crafted to represent key concepts such as freedom and truth. I watch how these little boys interact. They very much play off of each other’s energies and I can’t help, but imagine the two of them being powerful leaders together in the future. So in the midst of raising little gods and studying goddesses, I came to discover that many goddesses are actually mothers...and that perhaps, I too, could actually be a goddess simply because my sons are gods. I believe it is Aragon and Haigan that actually push me into becoming magically glorious because they deserve a goddess as a mother. A mother that exhibits incandescent love, light, beauty and peace.

So I invite you in my new journey this 2018, it isn't one of healing anymore, it's one of rising as a goddess (and boy, does this sound exceptionally overwhelming :p).