Welcome to My Healing Journey

Every morning when I get home after I drop Aragon off at the daycare, I set to tidying up the house and making sure everything is in its place. This includes my room. I realized that after tidying up my room, I enjoy setting the mood with nice relaxing or uplifting music while diffusing an essential oil. Today, I decided that in addition to preparing my space for the day, I should also prepare my body and spirit. I rolled out my yoga mat and got out of my jeans and started moving with my breath. I took my time in each pose, holding it however long I wanted to hold it. Not rushing, not thinking; I was with myself. Every now and then, I glanced up on my chakra wall and repeated a mantra or became inspired by an asana to include into my practice. I just flowed through my practice. There was no right or wrong.

After in savasana, as I was laying on my mat with essential oils and music, I was reminded of inner dance. I thought to go within myself and feel what was inside no matter how painful or scary it might be. I was brought back to the inner dance weekend I attended in which it was revealed to me that I was pregnant with Haigan. I remember stopping by the mall with Benito to have some dinner afterwards. He was in a foul mood, unwilling to comply with the guard at the door and show the contents of his bag. Benito was making this poor man´s job a difficult one. I remember having so much to share from the weekend, but feeling unable to. I no longer felt I could communicate my heart with Benito. He had become distant and cold.

I remember sitting across from him in an Italian restaurant awaiting our order when he said he would leave right then and there out of desperation to get away from me because I was trying to understand why he was acting so rudely to the guard. I remember all the tears just welling up in my eyes. Although, I had not had the opportunity to tell him that I just knew I was pregnant after the inner dance session, I remember his willingness to abandon me and Aragon right then and there in tears. He would leave us to travel home by ourselves for two to three hours under the pouring rain. Although, he did not end up actually leaving, I recall already feeling abandoned. It was a precursor of the future. Benito would abandon me, the baby in my womb and our one year old son. It was I who would journey with the two of them alone in the months and years to come. How could he be such an incapable being? How was he so incapable of loving us? For a good while, it made me question our worthiness. How could this man that I had grown to love and respect so much be capable of abandoning us? Though I do understand that we, as humans, all have shortcomings, I cannot seem to grasp this particular one.

I was required to grow an immense amount of courage and strength for my journey with my two beloved babes. These are two beautiful blessings. Every day, my boys require me to be patient, compassionate, understanding and selfless to degrees I could not even fathom at one point. They require me to be a great and beautiful love. This is an immense blessing. In having undergone pain, I now have a greater understanding of other people´s pain. I know the willingness to want to heal perfectly as imperfect and scary as it may be. I understand the importance of healing and now have an immense desire to help others in this world heal even though I am still healing myself. I do not want others to feel abandoned or that they have to cry alone. We need to be courageous and strong together so our hearts will remain open to loving fully. Closing ourselves is not the answer. I am beginning to understand this more and more. This is my journey.