A Sadness

Yesterday, I recognized a sadness inside of me. A sadness that secretly lurks behind every smile I make. A sadness that I unwillingly want to face because of my ego; my ego that wants to be strong and proud. As I caught glance of one of the quotes I had previously put up on my wall “Eliminate the Darkness & Bring on the Light”, I began reciting this over and over in my head and my heart as I began to meditate for the day. What is this sadness inside of me and what is its root? I searched and searched within me pondering on the numerous possibilities hoping to bring light to my sadness.

I found it.

The sadness I found inside of me is from the reoccurring theme of a lack of trust, honesty, communication and responsibility between Benito and myself (and our kids). Is it just me that longs to have a deep connection in each and every single one of our relationships? In having a person in this world that you not just share one child with, but two...the longing to establish that connection because of our children is something I am constantly rooting for deep down inside of me. Similarly, I have been secretly hoping a relationship to manifest itself between Benito and the kids. So for those of you who know the immense lengths and great efforts I have made to rebuild or establish this connection, now you know why. I feel the need to be clear though, this connection has long ago faded from the desire of being a romantic one, but can’t parents who have separate lives still be great together for their kids??!

So every time I am met with disappointment in which trust, honesty, communication and responsibility are lacking, my anger flares up. An anger often rooted in hurt and sadness because all I really want is for us to connect and be well together for our kids. So imagine my invitation for Benito to come and meet Haigan for the first time, celebrate Haigan’s first birthday and reconnect with Aragon in the midst of opening our home to him for three whole weeks. Yes, I was hoping to find peace in his coming, there were times I did and other times I didn’t...and it was so frustrating and exhausting. It left a bitter-sweetness in my heart. Then, a few weeks ago, I found out he has another child...and I didn't hear it from him, but instead found out through a photo of a common connection on social media. So yeah, the woman whom he is with was pregnant when he came here for three weeks a few months ago...and this is how I find out?! Where is the trust, honesty and communication? It obviously wasn’t there when I found out about his relationship with this woman by glancing over at his cellphone back in February 2015. So, we haven’t progressed in the past two and a half years and it’s sadly still the same shit. No trust. No honesty. No communication...and yet still a lack of responsibility for his previously existing children.

Now that I see my sadness for what it is, can I let it go and free myself? Or do I still cling on to hope? A hope to be able to somehow find a way for both of us to be well enough to both be there for our children? I realize now that this is entirely out of my control. Perhaps one day it will come or perhaps it won’t, but I really shouldn’t be holding my breathe for this...nor should I continue such extenuating efforts in the hopes of making something great happen. With my recent injury due to anger (but really sadness), I ended up in the operation room with ten stitches to my wrist. I had a cast and a sling, but have now transitioned to a splint and physiotherapy for the next couple of months. I had to give up my yoga practice and postpone getting my driver’s license. I can’t even give my kids a bath. In addition, I am constantly humbled by every person that obviously sees my injury and inquires about it whether it be a stranger or friend. Never in my life have I had such an injury before and this is my wake up call. It isn’t healthy for me to keep hoping when I’m constantly met with disappointment. At least for now, I can’t invest myself in this hope of a relationship anymore. Perhaps I will fall back into this pattern of hope in a couple months from now...but is it worthy? I honestly don’t know. I find myself conflicted. I thought that in pinpointing my sadness, I could easily then free myself from it...but the struggle is real.