My Mantras & My Peace

Around this time last year, I had my belly blessing which was such a loving ceremony. Therefore, I thought it would be appropriate to blog about it and my sisterhood tribe. They were so lovingly empowering that my entire spirit, heart and body allowed itself for Haigan’s coming in less than 24hrs afterwards; however, that blog will have to wait for another day, as I suddenly feel compelled to write about my present situation.

Amidst many unfavorable emotions arising from facing and interacting with my ex, I have made it a point to continue cultivating my inner garden every morning. During this personal, reflective healing and empowering time, I typically do asanas, work with my essential oils, explore my chakras, meditate, do some pranayama and readings. At times, I feel certain messages or words conveyed to me and I choose to recite them over and over again (108 times to be exact) with the use of my mala beads to help internalize the mantra.

Yesterday’s mantra was surrender. At first, I was unsure of what it meant, but it slowly became more and more apparent. I simply needed to surrender to my emotions, surrender to this journey, surrender to the insurmountable pain and really, just surrender to God. I needed to stop fighting against all of these things and the expectations I had of myself. Expectations such as that I had already healed and moved on. I had to accept everything that I was feeling and realize that this was where I was at in this present time. It simply just was and it wasn’t bad. I didn’t have to fight it and I didn’t have to judge myself for it either. Once I accepted this with a willingness to surrender, this journey of mine and the pain I felt was miraculously no longer that much of a burden.

Now, today’s mantra is trust the love of God. Initially, I felt that this was beautiful, but I was not able to recognize the extent of its profundity until a couple hours afterwards. After today’s inner garden session, I came down to help Benito with lunch. We exchanged our personal insights of the previous days and we also spoke about his role in Aragon (and Haigan’s) life. I saw his desire to be the other parent and provide a proper balance to the boys’ upbringing. As I listened, I was appreciative, but still very much skeptical as his “mission” in the Philippines would continue to keep him very much away from the boys. Instead of becoming increasingly aggravated about this as I normally am, I was suddenly washed over with a profound sense of peace. Namely, that I need not care about Benito’s plans because I trust in the love of God. This does not mean to say that I am praying that God will make Benito be more present in the boys’ lives; rather, it means that I understand that whomever Aragon and/or Haigan need at any particular time in their life, the appropriate person will be there for them because of God’s profound love for them. This is all I need to trust.

So, here is my peace. I just have to continue surrendering and trusting in the love of God. It is a constant and consistent decision...and quite similar to what I have also learned this past week about being a love warrior. For me, making decisions is not the hardest part, it's in being constant and consistent with those decisions.

Love Warrior.

At the onset of this year, I read a remarkable life changing book called Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton. I wasn’t sure what I was getting into when I first downloaded her book onto my Kobo, but the title surely did appeal to me when I saw it enumerated on a list of spiritual guidebooks for 2017. As I “tore” through the pages of her book in a matter of days, I read about the author’s pain and healing in a way that connected with my own, albeit very different circumstances. She was able to elaborate on these terms through her own personal reflection of her journey so accurately that it felt as if a personal longing of my own was met. As I read her book, I wept, “Finally! Someone who knows my pain!”. This book inspired me. It inspired me to continue on my own personal journey of healing by confronting the depths of my pain, instead of masking it behind in my shadows. I am now inspired to speak truthfully and compassionately about my own story (hence this blog :p).

As Glennon shared about how people reacted to what she was going through, I felt the exact same way. A large part of our society does not know how to deal with pain. People hear bits and pieces of our stories and immediately jump to conclusions offering their (unsolicited) advice, trying to solve, compare and diagnose our pain to normalize the depths of it so that at the end of the day, they can feel better about our situations. This in no way addresses the actual depths of pain. It is not that people are ill-intentioned, I am probably guilty of having done the same in the past. I believe it is because speaking and dealing with pain has become such a taboo in our society that in our day to day interactions, we hide it so well that when it does come to surface at times, bystanders whether they be close friends or family are often caught like a deer in headlights trying to deal with it. I’m coming to understand more and more though that pain is not a bad thing that we need to hide from one another. It is not shameful. It allows one to progress, grow and adapt to live more completely and love more fully. We do not need to be afraid of exposing our real selves. We all just need to be greater at being non-judgmental listeners.

Pain allows us to go within ourselves, listen and feel the depths of our being. It requires shamelessness and fearlessness. In a few days, I will encounter the father of my beloved boys. It has been more than a year that I flew (quite literally) from his presence. Yes, I am quite anxious about the reunion and as to how it will unfold. It could go well and it could go terribly, but all I know is that I need to be present with him and feel whatever emotions I feel inside of me. I need to allow them to surface and deal with them; I need to face them in order to move on. This is not an easy feat. Be with me as I journey towards being my own version of a love warrior.

Welcome to My Healing Journey

Every morning when I get home after I drop Aragon off at the daycare, I set to tidying up the house and making sure everything is in its place. This includes my room. I realized that after tidying up my room, I enjoy setting the mood with nice relaxing or uplifting music while diffusing an essential oil. Today, I decided that in addition to preparing my space for the day, I should also prepare my body and spirit. I rolled out my yoga mat and got out of my jeans and started moving with my breath. I took my time in each pose, holding it however long I wanted to hold it. Not rushing, not thinking; I was with myself. Every now and then, I glanced up on my chakra wall and repeated a mantra or became inspired by an asana to include into my practice. I just flowed through my practice. There was no right or wrong.

After in savasana, as I was laying on my mat with essential oils and music, I was reminded of inner dance. I thought to go within myself and feel what was inside no matter how painful or scary it might be. I was brought back to the inner dance weekend I attended in which it was revealed to me that I was pregnant with Haigan. I remember stopping by the mall with Benito to have some dinner afterwards. He was in a foul mood, unwilling to comply with the guard at the door and show the contents of his bag. Benito was making this poor man´s job a difficult one. I remember having so much to share from the weekend, but feeling unable to. I no longer felt I could communicate my heart with Benito. He had become distant and cold.

I remember sitting across from him in an Italian restaurant awaiting our order when he said he would leave right then and there out of desperation to get away from me because I was trying to understand why he was acting so rudely to the guard. I remember all the tears just welling up in my eyes. Although, I had not had the opportunity to tell him that I just knew I was pregnant after the inner dance session, I remember his willingness to abandon me and Aragon right then and there in tears. He would leave us to travel home by ourselves for two to three hours under the pouring rain. Although, he did not end up actually leaving, I recall already feeling abandoned. It was a precursor of the future. Benito would abandon me, the baby in my womb and our one year old son. It was I who would journey with the two of them alone in the months and years to come. How could he be such an incapable being? How was he so incapable of loving us? For a good while, it made me question our worthiness. How could this man that I had grown to love and respect so much be capable of abandoning us? Though I do understand that we, as humans, all have shortcomings, I cannot seem to grasp this particular one.

I was required to grow an immense amount of courage and strength for my journey with my two beloved babes. These are two beautiful blessings. Every day, my boys require me to be patient, compassionate, understanding and selfless to degrees I could not even fathom at one point. They require me to be a great and beautiful love. This is an immense blessing. In having undergone pain, I now have a greater understanding of other people´s pain. I know the willingness to want to heal perfectly as imperfect and scary as it may be. I understand the importance of healing and now have an immense desire to help others in this world heal even though I am still healing myself. I do not want others to feel abandoned or that they have to cry alone. We need to be courageous and strong together so our hearts will remain open to loving fully. Closing ourselves is not the answer. I am beginning to understand this more and more. This is my journey.