A Sadness

Yesterday, I recognized a sadness inside of me. A sadness that secretly lurks behind every smile I make. A sadness that I unwillingly want to face because of my ego; my ego that wants to be strong and proud. As I caught glance of one of the quotes I had previously put up on my wall “Eliminate the Darkness & Bring on the Light”, I began reciting this over and over in my head and my heart as I began to meditate for the day. What is this sadness inside of me and what is its root? I searched and searched within me pondering on the numerous possibilities hoping to bring light to my sadness.

I found it.

The sadness I found inside of me is from the reoccurring theme of a lack of trust, honesty, communication and responsibility between Benito and myself (and our kids). Is it just me that longs to have a deep connection in each and every single one of our relationships? In having a person in this world that you not just share one child with, but two...the longing to establish that connection because of our children is something I am constantly rooting for deep down inside of me. Similarly, I have been secretly hoping a relationship to manifest itself between Benito and the kids. So for those of you who know the immense lengths and great efforts I have made to rebuild or establish this connection, now you know why. I feel the need to be clear though, this connection has long ago faded from the desire of being a romantic one, but can’t parents who have separate lives still be great together for their kids??!

So every time I am met with disappointment in which trust, honesty, communication and responsibility are lacking, my anger flares up. An anger often rooted in hurt and sadness because all I really want is for us to connect and be well together for our kids. So imagine my invitation for Benito to come and meet Haigan for the first time, celebrate Haigan’s first birthday and reconnect with Aragon in the midst of opening our home to him for three whole weeks. Yes, I was hoping to find peace in his coming, there were times I did and other times I didn’t...and it was so frustrating and exhausting. It left a bitter-sweetness in my heart. Then, a few weeks ago, I found out he has another child...and I didn't hear it from him, but instead found out through a photo of a common connection on social media. So yeah, the woman whom he is with was pregnant when he came here for three weeks a few months ago...and this is how I find out?! Where is the trust, honesty and communication? It obviously wasn’t there when I found out about his relationship with this woman by glancing over at his cellphone back in February 2015. So, we haven’t progressed in the past two and a half years and it’s sadly still the same shit. No trust. No honesty. No communication...and yet still a lack of responsibility for his previously existing children.

Now that I see my sadness for what it is, can I let it go and free myself? Or do I still cling on to hope? A hope to be able to somehow find a way for both of us to be well enough to both be there for our children? I realize now that this is entirely out of my control. Perhaps one day it will come or perhaps it won’t, but I really shouldn’t be holding my breathe for this...nor should I continue such extenuating efforts in the hopes of making something great happen. With my recent injury due to anger (but really sadness), I ended up in the operation room with ten stitches to my wrist. I had a cast and a sling, but have now transitioned to a splint and physiotherapy for the next couple of months. I had to give up my yoga practice and postpone getting my driver’s license. I can’t even give my kids a bath. In addition, I am constantly humbled by every person that obviously sees my injury and inquires about it whether it be a stranger or friend. Never in my life have I had such an injury before and this is my wake up call. It isn’t healthy for me to keep hoping when I’m constantly met with disappointment. At least for now, I can’t invest myself in this hope of a relationship anymore. Perhaps I will fall back into this pattern of hope in a couple months from now...but is it worthy? I honestly don’t know. I find myself conflicted. I thought that in pinpointing my sadness, I could easily then free myself from it...but the struggle is real.

Loved, Worthy & Whole

The other night, I found myself in an all too familiar dreaded place, but as I laid in the shadows of the night crying profusely, the tears were no longer about me...

When I used to work at IASIS, a health and wholeness center in the GK Enchanted Farm in Angat, Bulacan, every morning, we would gather for a morning ritual. It would end going around the circle as each of us stated our three positive affirmations for the day. I usually held onto the same three positive affirmations every morning.

I am loved.

I am worthy.

I am whole.

Unbeknownst to the rest of my IASIS family, I struggled to say those three simple statements every single morning. I fought my tears to say them. In reality, I felt the exact opposite as I tried to embrace my pregnancy with Haigan and my single motherhood with Aragon. Benito had made it clear to me, that I was no longer his choice and neither were both of these lives of our children. I felt unloved, unworthy and broken in a million pieces. It’s amazing how I found the will each day to keep going on, working, smiling, breathing…

Knowing that Benito now finally has a child he willingly embraces into this world, and that he was there to support their mother as it grew in her womb and as she birthed this creature into being reopens such immense wounds in me because...I never got that...and Aragon and Haigan never got that. The idea that Aragon and Haigan will one day grow up wondering where their father is and learn the reality of it all and feel unloved, unworthy and broken because they weren’t chosen, but another child was...just breaks my heart. What parent would ever want their beloved breathing, beautiful and innocent heart-beings to experience the very same depths of pain and suffering that they had gone through. But as I cried and cried about this inevitable dreaded day that may come, I realized something...

I have long grown away from feeling unloved, unworthy and broken. I know that I am perfectly loved in this world, that there is nothing comparable to my worth here on this earth and I am beautiful and complete just the way I am. This isn’t because anyone told me so, it is just because it is so. I found everything that I am within myself during the deepest and darkest time in my life.

So my boys...because I am their mother, they will know these things too. They will be immensely grounded into the depths of their being to know that their value and worth do not come from anyone or anything, not even me, but from within themselves. So whether or not this dreaded day may come for them and engulf them into an ocean of pain, this too shall pass...and they will come out of it riding the waves beautiful and brilliant as they are destined to be.

A Transformation.

I used to be the girl that everyone wanted to know, but was also intimated by. The girl that commanded attention when she walked into the room and was the life of the party. The girl who walked into a club and have men buy her drinks all night and similarly, the girl who could walk up to a CEO, find a way to connect, impress and leave a lasting impression. There was no fear of travelling across countries on my own and having adventures with strangers. This was what living as an expat in the Philippines did to me.

This, as I would soon realize, did not mean anything to Benito, yet he was captivated by me and my potential to be who he believed I was destined to be (as I would later learn). I, being absolutely in awe of this bold, beautiful and talented man coupled with my strong willingness to grow to new heights, pursued a relationship with him.

My relationship with Benito made me incredibly happy, but at the same time, I also experienced my most incredible lows that would make me ball my eyes out; endless nights of falling asleep in a wet pillow. I probably never questioned so much of who I am as to when I was with him. There was so much of me that was destroyed in the process. As I mull over all the different aspects of me that were destroyed, I can honestly say that I think many of those parts of me were actually meant to be destroyed. This shocks and terrifies me as the victim inside of me screams, “No! The pain and suffering you went through were not acceptable.”

My being has changed in its entirety since I met Benito and the truth is, I love the person I have become despite everything I went through. I don’t care to be the center of attention or impress anyone anymore. Perhaps it’s because I don’t want my drama to be the center of attention or that I feel I can’t impress anyone anymore with my life, but essentially, I just don’t care about those things anymore. I have greater issues to resolve within myself than to be focused on the image I put out to the world.

To some, my blog might be too much information and/or too much vulnerability. The truth is, in having to be strong for a such a journey in my life, I grew tired of it. Keeping a front as if everything was fine and okay all the time is (excuse my language) f*cking exhausting. What I realized this year, is that it’s completely okay to not have everything picture perfect in life. It’s okay to make mistakes and that we are not our mistakes. So yes, I am no longer ashamed to speak freely of what I’ve been through and it’s aftermath. It’s a part of my growth in this life. I may be a little more raw around the edges now without the necessary grace of a lady, but what I’ve discovered over the past couple of months is that somehow I now exude a vibration that allows others to share their pain and sufferings with me. It’s a mystical feeling and I know I’m a better person now than I ever was: real, raw, empathetic and compassionate. And I am proud to have these traits as a mother.